Saturday, March 12, 2011

Trying NOT to be a whiny complainer

But I had a small unfill on Tuesday, which felt fabulous as I can now eat without gagging on pretty much everything. And while it was only 0.2 ml out...apparently I think I can eat the entire kitchen.

First few days was fine, but I know that I had started to develop some bad eating habits as I couldnt keep things down, and still lost weight. But of course some were things that I shouldnt be eating. My weight went up slightly this week but I will be trying to rectify that.

Now that I had an unfill I seem to be able to eat anything and seem really hungry....bah. I appear to have taken up grazing a bit too. I have already had two breakfasts and it's only 10.00am.

So this week I am going to concentrate on using my portion control and sticking to meal times, water etc. and try and weed out those bad habits I had allowed in.

I also had a counselling session this week which was really helpful as the last few months (outside of weightloss) have been really stressful. So it was good to get another persons view of it and that my food reactions were normal considering what was going on.

We sort of touched on the fact that self forgiveness is not a stong point for obese people when they eat something they think they shouldnt. And for band patients to see that, "ok you ate some chocolate, but did you eat the 1 kilo pack?" unlike pre band! That no it was just a bar, or several pieces.

I know it is something I really struggle with is accepting that some of the things I am doing now are what normal people do when stressed, I am not being useless and sabotaging the band but stressed.

Bearing in mind when she saw me pre band she actually had to tell me to take some time off work I was that stressed about all the things going on and while this has slowed down, there have been all new stresses. Since September I have had two deaths, (and thus an unexpected expensive trip to the UK) office move departments, two new direct bosses (and will get another one in a few months). Oh and hubby has had to go back on fulltime anti depressants (he has chemical imbalance depression) so a few weeks of him being down and worried. Oh and from Feb - Sept last year I looked after my terminal father.

Ack writing it down makes it icky cos none of this is any one persons fault and I don't begrudge much of it and would do it again. But I know that work in particular is a huge strain and if hubby wasnt so unhappy in his, I would leave in a moment and that often I feel like I am running on empty. Even Xmas break didnt really refuel my enthusiasm.

Maybe it is time to really take a break but financially that would be pretty tough, not to mention I would loose good work conditions I possibly wouldnt get back.



Alison said...

That all sounds really tough, be kind to yourself as far as food goes, you have so much going on. Try and draw a line and start again.
Can't really make any suggestions about your other stresses. I know that its just a drop in the ocean but would a holiday be possible and would it help?
Could you be signed off sick for a couple of weeks? (have no idea how these things work in NZ)
Hugs to you

Read said...

I'm sorry you've been going through all of this, but I'm very glad you're talking to a counselor. I'm such a huge fan of counselors and think everyone should go!

Debbie said...

Keep your chin up! Just take it one step at a time and do what you need to do to get yourself 'unstressed'!

Take care